Watch your Language!

How are you talking to yourself when it comes to your goals? 
Need to do versus want to do carry very different energy. Your body perceives the task, goal, or activity very differently depending on word choice.

Should. Need to. Have to. 

Believe it or not, it can subconsciously alter your energy for a given task or goal. 
And unless you shift that energy, it's, it's always going to feel like a struggle.

Linda unpacks how some of the language we use around our goals points to avoidance. Framing things as "need to" reveals your subconscious feeling about a task and keeps you in the energy of how you'll feel if you don't do it. Which robs you of the energy to DO IT. 

Saying " I want to"  or "I choose to" calls forth energy. 

Once again, this is likely a vestige from our childhood. We use the kind of language we hear growing up and don't question it. But beyond that, there is how childhood is structured. 
We're either getting in trouble or, or we're getting a star, but either way we're trying to figure out  what the adults want and  how we're going to get rewarded and avoid punishment. 

This polarity sets up  how we view what we need to do. It seems like I have to do it--whether it's " I have to do it this way so is I don't get punished or I have to do it this way to get rewarded.

As kids we take that assignment seriously. 
And as kids, we can indicate desire-- I want this and I wanted that and et cetera, et cetera.
But kids don't have the power to get those things, at least not outrightly. So we have to manipulate to get those things, to get our desires met, so to speak.  

So it makes sense that the language of I want -- of desire--  got replaced with,  language that reflected the value system of the adults around us. 

And what happens next? Most of us just grow from that place, but still have  that  in place. then we create a more sophisticated version of punishment and reward. 

Transcript

Watch Your Language!

Hey lady, watch your language. 
Hi there, Linda here. And today's episode of ladies like us is all about our language choices, and how we speak to ourselves. So this came up for me, I'm a lifelong learner than I am. I have mentioned before that I do enjoy getting coached. And in one of my sessions,  my very skillful coach pointed out something about my language.

And it's sort of funny because,  having someone mirror you is so powerful because we're so unaware of what we're presenting. Right? So when I sit in the seat of coach, I am totallyseeing the world as reflected by your language.  I'm offered these glimpses into your worldview,  how you're, you're viewing yourself, the situation, et cetera, et cetera.

And so,  it really is like a coaching 1 0 1 kind of thing to have ourselves notice the tenor of the language that our client is using. And it's not like I'm trying to self monitor in my, in my sessions, but I just love that this was played out so clearly for me.

My, session was about my relationship with time. And I was talking about having a sense of need to do and how I had this  nervous energy, around  creating a task. And it was hard for me to settle down and I guess I said, I really need to blank. Right. And you know, my coach, she stopped me and she was like, What is it you're trying to avoid?

And I was like, huh. 
And she just gently points out that the word need. points to something that we're avoiding. And I'm like, oh my God. I so know this. I know this right. Here. I'm just going to pause and say, the theme of today is need to versus want to. Okay.

Need to do versus want to do and how your body perceives this very, very differently. Should. Need to. Have to. What does this language reveal? 'cause what it does. It, it subconsciously alters your energy for a given task or goal. And unless you shift that energy, it's, it's always going to feel like a struggle.

And it's interesting. As I thought about this topic more, I think. I realized, at least for me--I don't know if this, how this lands for you-- but it almost feels like a vestige from our childhood. So you think about like our inner children, right? We're either getting in trouble or, or we're getting a star, but like, we're trying to figure out  what the adults wantand  how we're going to get rewarded.

Right. So really we're trying to avoid being punished. So we figure out, um, you know, either to not do something or to sneak around, um, that kind of thing. And then when it comes to the rewards, By doing X,  we get Y um, some of us are gold stars, enough. Some of us need,  to be bought things, all that kind of stuff.

But, there is this polarity set up about,  how we view what, what it is we need to do. So to me, that seems like I have to do it, whether it's like I have to do it this way. So is that to getpunished or a half do it this way. So  as to get rewarded.

to me that, like this setup here, I have to, but in a kid's mind, I think it's like, I have to do it this way, you know, to please mom and dad, or I have to do it this way. Otherwise I'll get into trouble. Right? Think about how seriously kids take that assignment. And then,  as kids, we can say like, I want this and I wanted that and et cetera, et cetera.

But we. Truly have the power to get those things, at least not outrightly. So we have to manipulate to get those things, to get our desires met, so to speak.  So I would say that at least for me growing up, the language of, I want kind of got replaced with,  things that reflected the value system that I guess I perceived, I was learning from the adults around me.

And I think that what happens is most of us just grow from that place, but we still have  thatin place. And then we create this more sophisticated version of punishment and reward. So getting back to, my session, I think the real nuggets that I want to share with you todayis this. So first,  being paused and S and, and having someone reflect to me  what is it you'retrying to avoid?

Right. So if you think every time I say, oh, I need to do this. It's sort of like, what are you trying to avoid? And. The part that really matters here is this when you're focused on how you'll feel, if you don't complete it, or if you don't achieve it or you don't accomplish it, however you want to think about it, if you're focused on how you feel, if you don't do it, no wonder, no wonder.

You're not motivated. No wonder there's procrastination. It makes so much sense. Right. But now think about how you'll feel when you complete. Like really just sit, , whatever taskyou're you're thinking about or whatever, more recent thing that you've avoided. Think about the difference between just the juicy feelings of

when you're done with it, even if it's a hard task or even if it's like,  you have to paint a room? Right. And you think about how awesome it will be fresh coat of paint on the walls and new color, a refresh look to the room. Um, you know, you've moved the furniture out of the way. So there's  possibility with reconfigurations, right?

It's all about possibility, potential -it's juicy. Right. But then you think about. Being focusedon how you feel if you don't do it. And, and again, this is under the surface. We're not carrying this up, at the forefront of our mind, it takes this reflection to understand what this subtle flip is.

So both of them are a feeling, but one is about like you procrastinate because you're avoiding. Feeling the feelings that you'll feel if you don't do it. Right. So it's like a vicious cycle. It's kind of a chicken or the egg situation, perhaps. So I think the way to think about it here, if you find yourself saying need to, Should or something like that, just literally change the sentence, reform that sentence into, and I want to, or an, I decide to, or I get to which I really love.

Right. I get to do this. It's sometimes hard to, you almost have to lift up out of your seat a few feet and just remember, like even why you wanted to do the thing to begin with.  There is a why, and it's not just need to have to, like on the other side of that, why is, is this desire? And when you're back into the desire and the feelings you'll feel when you accomplish it, The energy's completely different.

What's different here. Let's ask your body! Need to probably feels like anxiety. However, anxiety lands for you. Think about it. Like, oh, I need to. Think about .The list you make of the things that you,  need to do that you carry over from week to week. Don't they give you anxiety. I don't know. They really give me anxiety.

Um, and that is a feeling of heaviness in my chest. A little bit of constriction, something along that, that order, when I say I want to, or I can't wait to, or I get to.  It feels different. It feels if, for me it feels like whatever was constricted in my chest, kind of spreads out andjoins up with my hands and legs.

So it's, it's sort of, um, a more connected feeling and it's almost like. I'm subconsciously telling my body that we can do this. So instead of holding anxiety,  in my head and chest, it's like the rest of the body is poised to take action because it now feels I feel more yes. Around this task.

Right. So yeah, it's a, it's a good way to energize yourself. And again, literally, Create energy for the task at hand. So, how we talk to ourselves is really important. I hope that lands for you guys. Um, I just, I just love, I love a flip like this. I think  life is made of these, these small moments of,  understanding.

That whatever way we operate,  we can always tweak the system and make it operate just alittle bit better. Uh, just a little bit more joyfully, a little more effectively. Efficiently, like saving time for the good stuff. I think about how many times you delay a task. And again, did you even know that you were avoiding a negative.

I mean, I, I certainly didn't like I wasn't completely aware of it. I had to  decide that this was something I wanted to tackle with another person.  But you know, I think journaling, you might arrive at this.  And again, How do we stay the course with it? Right. So now, even if I'm not fully aware that I'm saying like, I want to, or I need to, if I'm delaying something, if I'm hesitating, if I'm especially procrastinating, I think to myself, what am I avoiding?

You know, it's so funny. As soon as I sit in the seat and start talking  and I get to share things with you, all it it's like, this is why I'm here. I really enjoy it.  It makes me want to do better and be better, but there are days when I'm like, oh, I really need to record a new episode. I really need to record a new episode.

And what is that, right? Just to take my own lessons and lay them in front of you. I I'm avoiding,  feeling this sense of,  letting my audience down or  like I've run out of things to say, um, I don't have,  as tight a theme as I want to have.

Yeah. Any number of things right. Could come up in this instance. And when I forget how I'll feel when. When I've really just done it. And  it may not even be an episode that I keep, but it's more just like the more I do it and the more I sit in it and the more I complete it, themore poised to create more I feel so... curious if that figures for you in anything that you're trying to create in your life.
Have an amazing day!