Giving Fewer F*cks in Real Time

What comes up when we say:
 "I want to give fewer f*cks about what the world thinks of me." 

For women in the Otherhood, the f*cks given can be felt in a lot of different ways. But what are those f*cks we give? Where are we allowing that energy to go? 

In this episode Linda teaches you how to give fewer f*cks in ladylike fashion: this work is not just for non-mothers. If you have any societal conditioning, people pleasing tendencies, or fear of coloring outside the lines, this episode is for you.

While we're at it, we will talk about how to double down on Unconditional Love by BEING Unconditional Love. Lean in. 

Transcript

Hello, this is Linda and I am here to just chat with you a little bit about giving fewer fucks. You're probably wondering where I'm going with this and those of you that know me know that I'm not necessarily someone that, cusses a lot,  or says, fuck this, fuck that. Although. I do sometimes.

 But what I want to tell, talk about is the energy around giving fewer fucks and what I mean by this. So when you think about saying something like I could give an F, right, I'll just say F for a few times so that I don't overuse this word.  But if you think like "I can give an F." That sounds challenging.

That's like somebody encroached upon you and you are just smacking it back. So "Nope, not letting it in."  But when you think about someone who gives no fucks, though that's probably on some level what we might aspire to be like, -- how cool to not care, right? To just be like, yeah, whatever occurs to me, I can just feel free about and unburdened. And that's probably good for the person feeling it, but probably not so great for the people that have to deal with that person. Unless we trust that everyone who gave no fucks was, relatively speaking, good and that their impulses were, pleasant, then that's fine.

But generally speaking, I think most of us would agree that that would be a very  annoying,  person to be around, especially for those of us who, you know, give give an F.  So what I mean by giving fewer fucks is very specific, and this is to say, what are those fucks we give? I think you probably know on some level that these are things that we feel burdened by judged by.

Maybe we don't even know why anymore, right? It could be the way we look. It could be our life choices. I mean, some of these things could be really big, like, like life choices or they can be, like not leaving the house without makeup, because there's this perception that you have to be a certain way.

otherwise people will, will talk about you, judge you, what have you. So that's the energy that I'm talking about, and I'm just gonna take you through a little bit of how I arrived here,  to even want to. Talk about this and work with this, like seriously too.   Being cheeky here, but like, I really mean to say that giving fewer EFS will liberate you.

We're trying to release that energy. So you have the energy to do the stuff that you actually care about. So with that, I'm going to just talk a little bit about how I got to coaching. So, yeah, I was living in New York city and working with brides and I loved working with them. They have a lot of needs, , as they're going through that time in their life.

And I found that I was really good at talking to them and helping them like kind of broach and get to that next space in their life. And I remember thinking to myself, you know, it'd be really cool if I didn't have to sell a dress, if I actually could just work with the person, because I really enjoy this.

Another, um, backdrop to my story is that I was married and somewhat newly married and, uh, ready to start a family. And so I embarked on that journey. And,  as you know, it's a complex one. Sometimes it goes really smoothly and sometimes it doesn't. And so, , going at it kind of with all the Gusto of newlyweds and all natural and all that stuff, and  it soon became apparent that there were some.

Physical issues, perhaps psychological issues, most likely.  Couple that with things like unemployment, which naturally bring the energy down,  and our relationship starting to degrade, that didn't happen for me. So what happened then is I did get divorced and you know, I'm thinking to myself, huh?

 I'm like, On the brink of 40 and I don't have a child, I don't have a husband like, Hm. I don't know why, but I still feel like I want to be a mother. Right. so I, I decided to  pursue single motherhood. And so that was a whole new journey and long story short, I got involved in a relationship that looked like it would take me there.

And I moved across the country and it was a very difficult move. I was trying to become part of his family. He had kids from his previous relationship and. It just didn't work out. And the thing about it is like all journeys in hindsight, like I'm grateful that it didn't in a way.  And I think that once I was able to release that,  that drive to create motherhood, I could actually see like bigger path before me.

And so I figured out my peace with it truly. But once I got to coaching, I really thought back to that time, how much I wished that there had been some space to talk about this journey, you know, because it's complex. I mean, it's like, Um, is it your body? Is it like, are you on the right path? If what happens if I don't become a mother, what happens if I do, you know, these are such big questions.

And I thought, gosh, I don't know. I don't know of any coach doing this work. So I decided that was going to be  my specific niche. Now here's the thing though. So as I get further into this niche, what I really realized is that. There can be this element of what I call existential anxiety. And what do I mean by that?

It's like, am I making the rules right. Life choices, right? Like it is where I am in life, where I'm supposed to be in life. Now. Obviously everyone feels that on some level. That's just the human condition. But I think for someone who is a non mother of a certain age and feeling like, She doesn't have all the time in the world. Like there has to be a decision point.    It's kind of crazy.  you know, , you have all these years where you're trying like, hell not to get pregnant until all of a sudden it's like, Oh shit. You know, I have to. Now or like shit or get off the pot and, , it's such a multi-layer decision.

And I think that when it happens in a relationship where,  you have the nest, you have the circumstances, it's much easier when you, when you have to like concoct all that stuff and make it happen. That's hard. So when I think about existential anxiety and you think about,  shit, what does a complete life look like?

 And if I don't become a mother and will I be incomplete, that's such a huge question. And so again, no simple answer, but I think what I arrived at was the idea of. I knew I wanted to be a mother. I knew I wanted a child. I also know that on some level, in a way that I didn't even realize I had also had this messaging that said,  being a good daughter means I will give my parents grandchildren,  and when that didn't happen and I really kind of explore a little bit more and I uncovered that.

That was still driving me on some level, I kept thinking like, how else can I make it happen? How it's going to make it happen. And, and what I realized, like a big part of me still wanted to be a good daughter. It was a real revel revelation for me. And so what I realized, and maybe this was a little bit of my, um, Giving fewer fucks journey, but it was like, okay, they're allowed to be sad that, you know, they don't have grandchildren through me.

Right. And I'm allowed to still feel like I'm a good daughter,  and that I'm enough. And yeah, it was a big, that was a big step for me, you know, because like I can keep feeling like there's something else I need to do for them, but, , ultimately, , My happiness is my own responsibility as is theirs.

So anyway, getting back to the topic at hand, I think the thing about giving fewer fucks is about lessening judgment, right? And so the more your life looks different from,  the house and the picket fence and the two children, like the easier it is to feel kind of outsidery um, not the norm. And you feel again, you might feel good inside when you're just in your life, but when you start to  think about how society might look at you, that kind of fucks with your happiness.

Right? And so that's where I got to why I wanted to do this work, but I think it starts in much smaller doses. So. I liken it to, I think all like most of us women can relate to body issues and thinking about like,  I know I like lipstick. Some women are like, Oh, if I were lipstick, it means, , I want people to look at me and I'll be judged or, like, , how much skin you're showing.

And some people love to show it. Other people are like, don't feel worthy, you know?  I have this, um, Epiphany recently where I realized the last time I wear a bikini was when I was five. Yup. And. I think about, well, why is that? And I know it's because you know what, like, I don't think my abs are allowed to see this light a day.

Like just, that's not my gift in this world. Right. And in this lifetime. But then I thought, well, why like, who cares? Right. But that's easier said than done none. I wasn't like, okay, let me slap a bikini on, I. Took a micro step. And one day I decided to wear a shirt that was slightly cropped. And I showed like, what an inch of skin at my waist.

And I was like, Oh wow, look at this. I didn't die. And think about that. That was like this little internal shift for me. It felt like I had to be brave, even though it's like, nobody probably noticed. Right. And that's how a lot of these little fucks are like, Nobody really is like staring at you so hard to give you that judgment.

And if they are, I mean, that's more on them, right? So anyway, let's get back to some more fucks that we can give less of. So a lot of judgment from within seems like it's judgment from the world. Here's some of the ones that specifically  come from the niche,  I coach: I'll be left behind in life. People will feel sorry for me. I wasn't able to have it all, not desirable. I don't have it together. I'm not chosen. I'm damaged goods. It's too late for me. I failed at life. Yeah. I mean, this is, these are hard ones, right? And I think that in some of my darkest times, um, yeah, I felt like, wow, you know, I just, somehow I just couldn't have it all.

And what's all, and that's where I really dug deep. And when I started to ask the question, what does a complete life look like? Who decides. What a complete life looks like, who decides, right? Like who are we letting decide what a complete life looks like? And I realized, like, I freaking love my life, you know?

And I don't have to take that outside judgment and internalize it and give myself a hard time about it. 

I think it's really important to know the origin and again, why give fewer fucks. It's just to release the, hold on that energy now for what? That's that's for you to discover. Like, if you, if you are missing that layer of needing to give so many fucks, what, what could you do? Like what couldn't you do?

That's my point.  So the energy of giving too many fucks one classic example is like someone who doesn't seek help, they need, because they're worried about judgment. I think that's super common.

I suppose a lot of men might do that. Martyrs, they give too many fucks about what everyone else is doing and needing, they're taking it on as their own to hold their energy and attention and thereby avoid dealing with their own life. So think about that. 

  Nobody's really asking you to do it, but it makes you feel sort of useful to be there and do that. But what are you really doing there? You're. You're avoiding your own life and you're not taking responsibility for what you need to do for your own. Right. I mean, that's possible. So just ask you to kind of examine that energy and lastly judgment from within and without, like I said, Often like the fucks given are touted as how the world will judge you when in fact they're projections of your own judgment of yourself and the world.

So remember you're whole  no matter what. Okay. So think about. Who decides what a complete life looks like. You know, what, what does your whole life look like? Being brave and stepping into this space helps you take responsibility for creating that next step towards your ideal life.

And so start small, you know, what's, what's one less fuck you can give today. Like I said, whether it's like. you don't wear makeup somewhere or maybe it's you say no to something, you know, without, overexplaining why you're saying no, just no. And holding, holding your ground with that.

And this is going to bring me to my next, space, which is unconditional love. So. Fewer fucks, unconditional love. They don't sound like they would be in the same talk. I know, but this is what I want to offer. I think that we get unconditional love wrong. And what do I mean by that? So we think that, that those are people that accept us unconditionally.

Right. And it's more about like what feels like they're accepting us unconditionally. I learned a lot from other coaches and Brooke Castillo is, is somebody who I always learned from. And she offers this really, really great shift and understanding.

And so let's say you speak your truth, right? So you say that no to somebody and they. Have a bad reaction. Right? So what might go through your mind? You're like, Oh man, like, you know, here, I am trying to be brave, give fewer fucks and then , look what happens. Right. They don't react the way you want them to.

And here's the thing everyone's allowed to act the way they want to. Right. Like we don't have control over them. So you think to yourself, I spoke my truth, right? Unconditional love. It seems like they should accept me and that's unconditional love, but that's not what it is. Unconditional love is you standing in your truth, speaking your truth to someone you care about allowing for them to have any reaction that comes naturally to them, right? They're allowed to feel their feelings and react and you love them anyway. So you love them in spite of how they behave. Maybe they behave exactly as you wish. And maybe they don't, but that's what unconditional love is. And so, you know, you being braver, giving fewer fucks and also allowing unconditional love. to the people around you as you grow, this is how this comes together. And this is what I'm working hard on right now, because I put everything through my own machinery, you know, and sometimes it's baby steps. Sometimes it's big leaps, but again,  allowing for people to know the true you and, , get out of people pleasing that doesn't feel good. And living more an integrity. I mean, that's what this is about. That's what this journey is about. So anyway, I hope that, um, I hope that made sense.