Ladies Like Us
Ladies Like Us
Who Decides What a Complete Life Looks Like?
Do you want what you want because YOU want it? Or was that desire implanted in you?
Today we turn over this question and ponder what informs the complete life checklist.
Who decides what a complete life looks like? If we don't answer, "I do" –who have we given the power to? Your parents? The patriarchy? Society at large?
Is it inside of you or is it outside of you? What matters most is that you know it's there.
Following this question through the wormhole of "Old Rules" and old programming, Linda shares the moment she realized that she wasn't marching to the beat of her own drum after all.
Desires and goals are a beautiful thing, but if you aren't clear on your why, or your why is about fulfilling outside expectations, your energy gets tripped up and creating results will be challenging. A goal like motherhood, is beautifully complex, so it makes sense to examine your why(s). We are going there!
Here's the thing:
Insights can go poof in the night if you don't take action right away. When you uncover some gnarly, stinky, old rule in your life, register that awareness, AND THEN TAKE ACTION!
First: write a new rule. Nature abhors a vacuum. Then put that new rule into action-- the tiniest step to let you know what it's like to live in the new rule. THEN: get it grounded in you. Grid lines are pretty powerful. You're going to get right back on that track unless you bust a move. So find a buddy, get her in that sidecar with you and make a pact to expand and evolve.
Episode is Not Live
Publish: Apr. 09, 2021 @ 7PM Edit
Publish
Transcript is Live
Delete this transcript.
Listeners can tap through & see what’s coming up.
Create a Visual Soundbite
Best way to share to social media for engagement.
Share Episode On
Who decides what a complete life looks like? Ever think about that question? I invoke that question a lot. I suppose what I'm asking is: how do we consider someone successful in life? So whatever, if it's success, completeness but I like to phrase it as who decides. What a complete life looks like, because in that moment we ask the question, we have this awareness, is it within or without? Is it inside me or is it outside of me? So if we don't answer,"I do", I decide what a complete life looks like, I decide when my life feels complete–then who have we given the power to? Your parents? Your religion, your Catholic school upbringing? Your feminist handbook, the patriarchy. Society at large? It's an interesting question. And sometimes we find things lurking in society that are also informing this metric of what a complete life looks like. For instance, I read not that long ago, really, America being referred to as a pro natalist culture. And I was like, I never heard that before, but I know what it means. Basically. It means it's pro being a mother pro having babies. Right. And. It's so interesting when you think about it, because we just take it for granted that that's just the way it is. And you know, whether it's tax breaks or there's just all this Support around the idea of the mother. And of course that's a positive thing, but there's something within the sort of political urging or pushing of it,that seems patriarchal somehow. I think what I'm trying to say is that it smacks of involvement yet again interfering with a woman's life and assigning quality to that life, and how she decides to live it. So, yeah. Pronatalist culture people. Again, when you think about, do you decide, what a complete life looks like? Or if not, where is that coming from? I think it's really valuable because again, from within and without, right. So when I say without, I mean, outside of us, So culturally speaking, so within and without a little coach speak for you. Yeah. And so it sounds so simple, right? Who decides what a complete life looks like? So I wanted to share the story of the day that I said I do. That I was even aware that I wasn't to where I could say I do. And I wanted to share this insight with you because it really was one of those clouds, parting sun shining kind of moments for me. And once I got it, I want to say, I never looked back, and I'll say this. I am now aware to ask myself that question and make sure that the answer really is coming from the right place. So what is it to be someone who validates her own life to be someone who validates the choices she makes for life? And again, when I say validates this, isn't so much about needing or not needing outside validation, we're not really going there. It's just understanding that the most important validation is your own. And I totally get that on so many levels. This seems obvious. But at the same time, if you really scratch under the surface and as you'll see in the story that I'm going to share, um, sometimes we miss this. Yeah. So when we start living for ourselves, it feels really different. So how do we get there? Arriving in really stepping into this space can feel new and awkward, especially when you've been unconsciously living in the dark and, you know, That dark isn't even necessarily dark. It's just you not knowing what you didn't know. Right. So we don't know what we don't know until we do. Let's say you didn't know you were driving on a closed course. It just seemed like that's all the road there was. Right. But then you get off the grounds of the resort and you're like, Oh my God, the silent is huge. You go off road. And now, you know what? You didn't know. And, maybe for some of you, this will just highlight what you already know to be true. And yes, that's awesome. But it takes some of us a little longer time to get there, but let's go there. Let's dig in. So. Going back a few years there. I am going through my coaching training. It's awesome. You know, I'm excited. We're subjecting ourselves to all sorts of coaching exercises and tools. And one of these had us examine old rules. What's an old rule you ask. Well, probably some idea put in place when you were young and by someone else, but it's an idea that limits how you live. Okay. Like think the invisible grid lines of your life. We can inherit them from family, our faith society, you name it, and they could be pretty specific to our inner landscape. Like never leave the house without your face on. Men don't make passes at girls who wear glasses. So 1950s! Or more universal, like asking questions makes you look stupid or, you know, I can't lose weight. Nice girls don't money. Doesn't grow on trees. So you might've heard people throw around the term limiting belief. That's true too old rules, are limiting beliefs that have calcified into laws and pretty much inform how you think the world is. So I was listening to Glennon Doyle, get interviewed by Marie Forleo. If you don't know who she is, I strongly urge you to check her out. Glennon, Doyle. She. Really does write about exactly this, um, the life that we are kind of told to run after and create and live versus what's truly in your soul. And also just how we navigate life's, big waves and how we get to know ourselves in the process. So anyway, getting back to rules. She brings up a really good one. This rule mothers should show their love by martyring themselves for their children. Good one, right? No one explicitly said this rule out loud, but you feel it right? Like even as a non mother, I can feel it. Whether it's. Like an expectation of my mother who wouldn't be having that anyway. But motherhood in general, again, rules just like quietly guide our decision-making process. So when someone points it out, all of a sudden you're like, what. Right. So unless you ask yourself what rules you're living by, you probably won't even know they're there. And if you don't know they're there, then how will you even know that you can rewrite your own rule book? Right. So the old rules that came up for me at this time were, and this is by no means exhaustive. I should be married with children. I should pare down my dreams and be more realistic and don't take risks. Those were the rules that I came up with during the exercise, sensing a theme with two and three, just saying, okay, so I should have been a mother, nothing wrong with that. Right. But like, who decided that. Sure motherhood had always been part of my plan, not in a ticking off boxes kind of way, just like a, a nurturing and natural kind of way. Right. I helped raise my baby sister and I knew I had a lot to give in this area. And honestly, I literally felt this feeling like I couldn't wait to meet my kids. I felt like I was, um, my head was in heart was in the right place regarding this motherhood thing. So when I was finally married, we tried and it felt good to be trying when I finally had the quote unquote right. Circumstances and nest for it. And you know, it didn't work out for a bunch of reasons I won't get into right now. But my marriage unraveled. So imagine being on the precipice of 40 divorced with no baby sounds like a total bummer. Right. And yet, somehow I felt that everything was going to be okay. I soon like found myself giving serious thought to just being a single mother. I would be one of those cool Brooklyn moms going to prospect park with my stroller. And, it'd be a bitch to carry up the subway steps, but, I still would be like a good workout. I'd be all slender. And my little jeans, I threw myself into music and like literally reconfigured, my life after divorced and kind of dreamt of this motherhood scenario. Figuring out the best way to make it happen. Um, yeah, and I couldn't wait for it to happen, but then like, you know, as I'm pondering, hitting up gay friends and looking at, sperm banks and all this stuff, I met a man who wanted to be my baby daddy. Yeah, true story. And it was really cool that like I met a man who literally wasn't deterred by my saying like, Hey, you know, I'm actually not so much into dating. I kind of want to just be a mother. And yeah, he was super supportive by wanting to help me with it, but he lived in LA. Me. I was living my ideal life in New York city. I loved my job, my community, my city, my apartment, all I wanted was for my baby to join me so long story short, I wanted to move forward with my motherhood plans and my boyfriend wanted me to move to LA. I put it off for some time, but then my parents visited for Christmas. And my boyfriend flew in and he brought his older son with him and I literally watched my tiger mom go totally soft in the presence of this little boy. Yeah. And it was interesting because she liked my boyfriend because he was a father. Unlike anyone else I'd ever been involved with. Like more family and kind of home oriented. He had a house and a garden and a business. In short, he was bonafide. And so it was soon after that visit that I finally said yes to moving. And, it was just that I could how my New York city lifestyle sort of didn't resonate with them.And that the idea of me playing house with my boyfriend's kids in LA did. Once I had my baby, we'd all be together anyway. So I thought. And, so I moved. I didn't keep that awesome apartment. I jumped with both feet and landed in LA. And guess what? It didn't work out. And the other thing, I didn't have my baby. So what did I do? I decided to become a life coach, of course! Anyway, back to the exercise. So we have our rules written down and now we're paired up with a coach and we're going to coach each other. So. my turn first. Yeah. So I'm asked around that first rule, the one that says I should be married with kids and I don't know, but guess what I started talking about, the me that had decided that I still wanted motherhood even after the divorce and the me that left behind the life. I was loving in New York because I wanted a family. And when my coach asked me why I left New York, I said family again, this time with less conviction. And like, in that moment of answering the question, I realized like two things that hit me, like a ton of bricks. One I moved because I thought it was what they wanted. And two, I moved because my life in New York was not valid to me because I was looking at it through their eyes because my marriage had failed there. And like somehow New York had failed me or maybe I just had failed in New York. Bam. There was, and following this realization, I went even further and found this little rule lurking beneath the surface. I need to make my parents into grandparents to be a good daughter. Yep. Was I fully conscious that this was what I was feeling? Not really. I just knew I was driven to make it happen. I knew I wanted to be a mother, but I really didn't see how intermingled this desire was with what I thought my parents wanted. So, you know, I took this so far that I left my beloved New York and moved across the country to be with a man with kids. Sure. He was keen on making me a mama and I wanted that on some level, but you know, it got really interesting when that actually didn't happen. The motherhood didn't happen. The relationship ended and I kept turning over why I had ever left New York. When this coaching exercise had us question the validity of our rules and really unpack it, I could see. So clearly what I had done. So, yeah, until I was really asked what rules was I living by, it. I couldn't see that as independent and individualistic as I lived that I actually still sought validation from my Ma and Pa. Yeah. That's what I call them. I was divorced with no kids, but. Because I still wanted to be, a good family oriented daughter. I traded the self-created life that I loved for life that I thought they'd want for me a more legit life. That's it! Nothing like being smacked upside the head with a gigantic awareness go coaching. So after this unpacking, guess what we did next, we formulated new rules. So. There's a couple of good ones, but the one I really wanted to share with you today was simply this. I validate my own life. I know it's just a sentence, but it changed everything. I can let my parents' happiness be their responsibility and just love them. I can trust that I am enough. I can trust that I am strong enough to see their wistfulness at times and not take it personally. Maybe even feel it with them. And what seem to some a selfish proclamation, is in fact the way I found to give of myself more freely. This is what I do when my life is my own. So yeah, uncovering that rule and writing a new rule was a total game changer for me. So I invite you to see where something that you just assumed to be true that is in your operating system, maybe Just take that pause and question Why you're doing it. Why you expect yourself to do something. Right? Or simply asking where a certain desire comes from. Sometimes it's the thing beneath the thing beneath the thing. So it takes a little bit, but I promise this work is always worthwhile. So with that, I wish you a deeper relationship with your own desires and your own authority. And your own confidence. Have a wonderful day. Here's the thing. Insights can go poof in the night. If you don't take action. What do I mean by that? Well, let's say you do the work, right? You uncover some gnarly, stinky, old rule in your life enough. I'm writing a new rule. You have to put that new rule into action, like stepped and I mean, immediately those grid lines. They're pretty powerful. And you're going to get right back on that track unless you bust a move. So find a buddy, get her in that sidecar with you and, you know, make a pact to expand and evolve. So there you have it. And next week I'll be in the studio interviewing my very dear friend, the illustrious Nicole Briggs, a non- mother, but I'm also going to call her a pre mother because there is a desire there and we're gonna unpack that desire. So join me next week and subscribe so you don't miss it. Catch you soon. Bye!