Who Gets My Stuff When I Die?

Let's think an unthinkable thought: 
What if there's no one to remember me when I die? Remember what I wanted?
What if all of my stuff just gets chucked into a dumpster donated to Goodwill, and that's the end of me?
Pretty awful thought, right? 

Let's slow down and look at what we are really desiring and what we are really fearing. 

In this episode Linda unpacks why we want a legacy. 

• Why we want there to be someone to inherit our rituals,  traditions, and maybe our stuff
• She ponders what will become of her fabulous hat collection and her accumulated wisdom
• Why Tanya from The White Lotus is so compelling
• Why Friend Families are a worthy investment
• Why you need to plan your own after party

Transcript

 Hello, Linda here back after a brief hiatus, definitely did not mean to stay away this long, but I started to deeply think about  other topics I wanted to present. at first I was just going to throw down a great episode about legacy. But now I realize that I, I want to give this conversation, um, more time and space.

And so today I'm gonna kickstart a conversation that I want to continue for the next few weeks, um, regarding. Legacy regarding, what happens to our memory? Our,

I literally can't think of the word. I guess it's legacy, right?  um, yeah, literally. Okay. Uh, so my first portion of this conversation is who mourns me when I die, who gets my stuff. Who honors my legacy.  So let's think an unthinkable thought. What if there's no one who remembers me when I die? What if all of my stuff just gets chucked into a dumpster donated to Goodwill?

And that's the end of me.  pretty awful thought. Right? I know. , Um, yeah. And, and why is it so awful, right. Like, you know, you think about having a small footprint, on this earth, it's kind of nice to not leave a whole lot of junk and burden other people with your junk. And yet this idea of.

No one to sort of inherit whether it's our, um, rituals, whether it's our traditions, whether it's our stuff, right. Someone's China collection lovingly collected, or my fabulous hat collection. Like who's gonna get that right. I don't have this natural. Air to receive my wisdom or my goods. I recently saw some footage, a woman in my coaching group.

She posted photos from her. Daughter's bridal and there was this great display that was obviously a source of pride and it was really well done. in the display. There were two dress forms, flanking, a center table, and each of the forms was dressed in a wedding gown of one of the deceased grandmother.

So obviously, the intention here is to honor the generation before, perfectly displayed at a time when, you know, the granddaughter is now embarking on this journey. Right.  on the table, there's old photos showing what each grandmother looked like on a respective wedding day. And there were some props from that time to fully evoke that bygone era.

So, you know, to see both morning, right. Mourning of them for not being there to celebrate with them and honoring. So I think about the tender objects and specifics, um, to see both morning and honoring displayed simultaneously through the care and curation of others further down the lineage, right. Is, is really moving.

it was really moving. I could see myself creating something like that. yeah. And again, behind me, you know, I can do that. Right.  but yeah, who's there to do that for me or will I be that to anyone else really? Right. So, so while this is moving, this kind of stuff is the source of anxiety for some of us non mothers, because like, where might this cherishing take place for us?

We silently ask. With luck, maybe, you know, we can be the beloved. Auntie an indispensable unit of the family. Some eccentric, cool, lady of legend. Right. But what if we ended up spending, you know, a lot of our lives away from the family fold, um, maybe living a less traditional life. What might we expect here?

Motherhood as life savvy women know is not a guarantee of receiving AHI piety. That just means, um, your children's complete loyalty and, and devotion, , or adoration, a lot of great kids.

Super shitty moms and a lot of great moms have shitty kids  but you know, because we were children once we know to what extent we forgive our parents. To what extent we want to give our mothers what they want, that's how much we want their love. Right. And we know that we don't carry that kind of sway over.

friend's kids or your sister's kids or your cousin's kids. I mean, you know, maybe, maybe you have formed a special relationship if that's the case, keep it going for sure. But I think that many of us can feel into what we may not have in the end. Someone who may go to great lengths to carry out our dying wish.

Or, Posthumus wishes, right? So I don't know if you've watched, um, this show called the white Lotus. I think it's an HBO thing. If I'm not mistaken, definitely streaming it's nine episodes. There's a character played by Jennifer Coolit, who is the, um, the mil from the American pie movies, as well as, best in show.

B, some blonde she's also in the other hood PS, just fun fact and super fun and funny about it. Um, anyway, her character in this show is, is so well done. Um, Tanya, Tanya McCoy or something, and she comes there. To scatter her mother's ashes. And you know, this is, this is like this tropical paradise, but she's got this heavy burden.

She seems pretty wealthy and she's got nice clothes and able to enjoy this resort. But ultimately, her heart is heavy with this burden, because this is what she's there for. it's interesting because we only know what her mother was like from conversations that

pretty much our one sided she'll start talking and, and, and she'll start trailing off and drop some interesting bomb about like what a bitch. Her mom was really, um, most people walk away from her before she even finishes her sentences. So obviously these are meant for us, the audience to. Bully take in how awful this mother was like total narcissist.

Sometimes she's talking to herself, um, or her mother's ashes. And it's interesting because there's so much love and so much pain in the relationship with her mother and the mother's death, does nothing to offer relief. Uh, What her lines offer? I think we can gather that the mom was very cruel and like I said, a narcissist, um, even though she has wealth health style, she's holding onto her beauty.

Tanya barely exists.  she's a very, um, what they would call a liminal character, which kind of happens with narcissistic wounding. If you're curious about that topic, I suggest you look it up. Um, so stunted is she by the woman who was her mother that even when she's expressing. righteous anger or,  like a protest in her mind.

she's so fast to apologize, like to the air around her, lest she be punished for her dissent from like, you know, heaven above and, um, yeah. And in spite of  this tortuous relationship, she is still pretty much doing everything in her power to carry out her mother's wish. So it's an extreme example, and I would never want to torment my child and have her live in fear of displeasing me, especially in carrying out my funeral plans. but like I said, the devotion even to a bad mom,  when we're not moms, how do we even picture someone who is dedicated enough to what mattered to us, to really even think about going to these great lengths?

Right. So, so this brings me to that topic of legacy. And what is it, what is legacy now that we're thinking about it?  Part of the official definition lays out that it can be an idea that will be remembered for a long time. Or something handed down from a predecessor. So sometimes, you know, like if you think about your legacy from a college, so that means like your whole family went there and they probably donated money there.

So  you are inheriting this privilege of going there. Other times it's something that you built up in your lifetime that you imagine will continue after you die. So words like inheritance and heritage, they're all kind of related.  I would say heritage tends to be more through birth, right?

You think about cultural heritages. Things like that.  Inheritance is because of your relationship to the,  person or body that is giving you something. Right? So we inherit from the past and we pass on to the future. A lot of this can be more material or economical, so. Hence the, who gets your stuff when you die conversation, right?

legacy is more immaterial and cultural. I mean, it can be that you built something physical, like Oprah building her school in Africa, right? Like that's kind of, it takes a lot of boxes here because it is a physical structure that impacts actual people. , but it's also like something that can continue on once it's kick started.

And, upholds her values in a specific way. Right. So think about the wedding display of my friend's family.  That's something that relates to all of those points and the honoring of a mother's burial wish es can be considered a kind of inheritance of sorts. So again, not to bring this up in a, in a sad way, I'm kind of like trying to have some gallows humor about it.

If , if, if that's translating, um, I have like cool stuff and I. Giving it to people. And I wonder sometimes if I'm like, okay, I'm nowhere near dying, but, I just have this impulse to, mm. Share something that I took the trouble to find and love and make sure it goes to a good home. And again, I give it to them.

They can do what they please, right. It's like, not important for them to, you know, have handed it down in their family and, and still be around a hundred years from now. But, uh, picture this. So Whether it's, you don't have a daughter who right about now is resurrecting items from your closet because they're vintage and cool.

Or you don't get to be all Oprah with your life lessons and be like, here's what I know for sure. You mean, you have to admit it's, it's hard to feel like there won't be a continuation of what was important to you. Projecting into the future. Right?

So it's like, there's this, uh, I think it's a Morrisy song or is it a yeah, it's a Morrisy song.  I'm the end of the family line  and, uh, you know, Again, it's, it's kind of, um, Ry humor. He's like I'm the end of the family line, the end of the line. No baby pulled screaming out into this seething world by chance or whim.

Yeah, sung by a gay man, but you know, he fills it. So think about this. 

What you cherished and appreciated both materially and as values won't be inherited or acknowledged or honored by your family down the line. I'm not saying that's the case for you. But, what if, right? of course we know plenty of people who have no interest in preserving tradition, but even so things seep through. No doubt,  there are some things you care about preserving as tradition or ritual. You saw your mom or grandmother do it and it might just be that you never replaced it, but chances are you feel connected to them when you engage in that habit or ritual.

 When it occurs to you to think about it and. , you know, are there things that maybe you don't do or share because there's no one in front of you, a child of your own, an or nephew, a friend's kid to pass it along to? I've definitely thought about things like that.  My friend and her mom have this awesome tradit.

We call it pilot head  and I love that they looped me into it. So, um, basically like the head of a GI Joe, do.  would make its way into my friend's backpack or lunch. And then , you know, and it was just to be funny. And so then she would bring it home and  put it somewhere funny for her mom to find.

And then one day I found it in, in my locker, just sitting there, staring at me. And so I got to participate in this tradition, but I've thought. These kind of things and how if I had a kid, I would totally do these absurd little, little jokes, especially ones that kind of like VO back and forth, cuz I kind of love that kind of thing.

Um, but yes, so, so, um, I'm not gonna leave you hanging here and, and, and just talk about what you don't have. You know, you can, find ways to create some joyous traditions to be sure. And so, yeah, what's another to do. I would say buddy, up use your friendship skills to keep building. I know blood is thicker than water.

Sure. But remember this, my friends soul is sticky stuff. Okay. So when you sense a soul connection. I mean, grab on and continue it. Keep, keep it going, invest energy into it. I mean, I think one of the things we sometimes forget about is to invest energy into our existing relationships, to infuse creativity and no doubt, you know, children inspire us to be creative because they're just funny, right.

As they're growing. Like their view of the world is, is just so endearing or interesting. And it kickstart certain reactions in us. And so we become more creative through the interaction. Again, this doesn't mean that you can't do that with your existing friends. I mean, we think we know, but they're a world, a whole universe unto themselves.

Just like you are. And really just thinking about creating new memories versus, uh, rehashing old ones, for instance, and, you know, creating deliberate moments of, um, seeing each other. And again, like, you know, even, um, friends who have become distant, you know, through COVID and they live far away and maybe.

We virtually connected here and there, but if you trust the connection, is there, you know, even seeing them once a year, just so much to feed that relationship. And so think about the resources that you don't have to invest in a child. I would, I would highly suggest you reinvest in yourself and reinvest in your friendships, your friend, family, because. , these things are important and, and, and I'm including mothers here too, by the way, it's not like these are just your non mom friends, right? Like the mothers in your soul tribe. They won't always be in the deep woods of motherhood. Right. So be there when they emerge, believe in the long game, that's what a soulful friendship does.

Um, you know, I would also suggest you save up and get really specific about what kind of funeral send off or party or celebration of life that you want. Like, you know, your favorite songs. Your outfit. It does not have to be, macab like seriously, like have a little, you know, control art, direct that shit!

Because you know, like sometimes people in your life can Intuit exactly like what you would or wouldn't want, but how amusing will it be to  have the people.  that are arranging for, you  know just how specific you want to be, um, about, about that day. Right? So, yeah, I think, um, these are my first two tips.

There's gonna be more, um, I want to have a few interviews with.